Season 7 Episode 1: Dragonstone
welcome to my weekly recap of game of thrones! tons of spoilers ahead. do not continue if you aren't caught up with the current season. this is mostly a recap of my feelings, hopes and dreams. i cannot promise accuracy or that i will even get the names of the characters right. because of my child demon i am chronically sleep deprived and the one brain cell i have is only barely firing. i couldn't remember 'azor ahai' so in my head i was referring to him as 'the lone ranger.'
you've been warned.
game of bones
not going to start this off without first discussing who i want to have sex. if i don't get some nasty hot takes this season, i will riot. i demand incest! the top five sexes i want to happen in season 7 are as follow:
1. brienne and the gingery wildling dude
i don't remember his name because literally who cares, but i am feeling his male gaze v hard in my pants. brienne is obviously way too good for this yokel, which is why i think she should hump and dump. get it, girl.
2. cersei and the disgusting uncle from the iron islands
i know his name is euron, but i want to be disrespectful. when euron greyjoy was introduced last season, i thought he was portrayed by ewan mcgregor and i was thrillt. pilou asbæk is a pale imposter, but until hbo fixes jaime's stupid horrible haircut, i am rooting against jaime. euron's proposal was satisfying. he insulted jaime's one-handedness, bragged about murdering his brother, called her the most beautiful girl in the world, teased them playfully about incest, and promised her an invaluable gift that better fucking not be tyrion's head. cersei is one bad binch and since she has already gone as far down the shithole as possible, might as well shack up with swarmy ass uncle seaman. 10/10 would.
3. sansa and jon
wow o wow the flirtation between these two has me giddy. "but diddle, they are brother and sister herp derp." and? in the world of westeros it is only fair if sansa and jon snow fuck. technically jon died so legally he isn't even her brother anymore and sansa deserves one good sex. i don't personally care for oral sex. there has never been a time in my life where a guy was eating me out and i thought, "wow, this is really doing it for me!" but i don't begrudge others the pleasure and sansa seems like she would be into it. jon is completely useless and the least he can do after all the shit sansa has been through is eat the puss good.
4. sansa and littlefinger
i am not here for your littlefinger hate. i dont want to hear that his 'accent' is really 'bad' and 'changes' all the time. for far too long i have held my tongue as people shit on lord baelish and i do not wamt. i absolutely love this sneaky lil binch. how soon you forget that littlefinger gave lysa arryn a swift kick in the ass right out of the moon door and manipulated nerd stark into headlessness. petyr knows that jon snow is a dude bro and i am here for the side eye. sansa should continue to treat him with icy indifference and irreverence, but also they should have sex.
5. jon and daenerys
as the saying goes: if it ain't broke, don't fix it. the targaryens have been fucking each other for hundreds of years probably and i don't see why that should stop now!
**honorable mention: yara + literally anyone.
okay so that episode- phew. arya fucked. shit. up. and ed sheeran sang a song about hand jobs and i am not even mad because ed sheeran looks like a medieval foot soldier. good casting imho.
i have been nervous about this season because the writers don't have the rich detail of the books to lean on for support and i am scared they are going to fuck it up. most noticeable fuck up in this episode, we see sandor clegane stare into a cackling fire and in less than 30 seconds have a religious epiphany. watching the complex humanity of the hound unfold in intimate moments throughout the seasons has been one of the joys of the series. he's evil, but he is tortured by the suffering of innocents. during this boring moment of enlightenment, i was waiting for the hound to break from his vision by pissing on the fire and telling the brotherhood without banners to fuck off. this feels like lazy writing and if they can dedicate a minute of precious airtime to a nauseating remix of sam cleaning shit and puke out of chamber pots, they can make an effort to not half-ass our favorite character's development. priorities!
remember when jorah stuck his gross ass crusty arm out of the cellar and asked sam about daenerys. just die already, you old bastard.
who is going to kill cersei? arya is headed to king's landing and i could watch hours of this child assasin murdering people, but i also love the theory of jaime as azor ahai. azor ahai is the legendary figure who supposedly defeated the white walkers and brought an end to the long night with a special sword called lightbringer. to temper the sword, he plunged the blade into his lover's heart, killing her and capturing her soul. SEEMS LEGIT. if hbo tries to pull any shit and make ed sheeran azor ahai, i will burn them to the ground. if azor ahai is to be reborn and jaime is our guy, this would mean he would have to plunge a sword through cersei's heart. there is a poetic justice i like about this (ignoring the misogyny that is jaime getting his hero moment to save humankind while cersei rots in hell), but i get chills thinking of the twisted way arya would end cersei. i simply cannot decide who i want to murder her. sansa is the new cersei, so less yapping more stabbing.
dany's homecoming was intense and emotional and i cannot wait for some dragon action. it seems pretty likely that the three riders will be dany, jon and tyrion. since sam is immediately alerting jon about the convenient mountain of dragonglass at dragonstone, jon and dany should be meeting soon. sooner rather than later i hope, since the night king is marching his army that way like yesterday. realistically how long does it take an army of skeletons to reach the wall and start fucking shit up? it took my dog marvin ten seconds to pee onto the moving blades of a box fan and cover the kitchen in splatters of urine, so i feel like it wouldn't take that long for an army of undead to breach the wall? i'm no mathematician but...
until next week i have just two fucking words, man: zombie giants.