Game of Bones Real Talk: Beyond the Wall

season 7 episode 6: beyond the wall aka you fucked up, kids

pour one out for viserion, binches. the night king has a dragom and shit is going to get real.

     welcome to my weekly recap of game of thrones! tons of spoilers ahead. do not continue if you aren't caught up with the current season. this is mostly a recap of my feelings, hopes and dreams. i cannot promise accuracy or that i will even get the names of the characters right. because of my child demon i am chronically sleep deprived and the one brain cell i have is only barely firing. i couldn't remember 'azor ahai' so in my head i was referring to him as 'the lone ranger.'    you've been warned.

 

welcome to my weekly recap of game of thrones! tons of spoilers ahead. do not continue if you aren't caught up with the current season. this is mostly a recap of my feelings, hopes and dreams. i cannot promise accuracy or that i will even get the names of the characters right. because of my child demon i am chronically sleep deprived and the one brain cell i have is only barely firing. i couldn't remember 'azor ahai' so in my head i was referring to him as 'the lone ranger.'

you've been warned.

fuck

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beric hasn't had a lot of dialogue of late but there is something about the lord of light worshippers. they are all nuts, but i would like him in my b-hole. i like the eye patch. he's hot! please give me one foursome with beric, tormund, and the fire sword. next.

marry

tormundy.JPG

tormund started as a hot fuck quickly ascended on up to husband material. he is arguably a bit of a sex harasser, but he's loyal. he's a good fighter. he knows how to fuck. i want to make giant babies with him. 

kill

the hound is my top 5 fav characters and top 5 sex fantasies, but he looks weird in fur. when they were stranded on the island surrounded by death, he threw a rock at a zombie for no god damn reason that revealed the ice had froze over and started the horrible chain of events that resulted in viserion's death. his petty taunting of the undead, i would argue, is the reason the night king now has a dragon. thanks!

honorable mention: just blow up all of winterfell. 


it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. or something. idk guys this show is as good as its ever been while simultaneously being so poorly written i want to whoop the tv. hard to feel relieved dany saves everyone on the back of a dragom when these heaux should not have been north of the wall in the first place. no one is properly dressed for winter, ravens have the ability to travel faster than time, and arya and sansa are on some dumb shit. congerts on yer success.

there is some real fan servicing happening (www.incestry.com/dany_jon) and i lick it. but i absolutely cannot deal with the bad writing because i know these writers just want to be done w GoT so they can do their highly problematic what if slavery never ended in america confederate show. D R A C A R Y S 

pour one out for viserion. i was actually shook to my core when he was killed. i knew it was coming but was still devastating. took me three viewings to unshook. 

 at least it was the shitty brother dragon. you know we are all thinking that!

at least it was the shitty brother dragon. you know we are all thinking that!

this has to be a quickie because i have to mentally prepare for the finale. my dumb idiot best friend is having me over for some spaghetti (she made spaghetti last week...) and homemade ice cream to watch, and i need to apply some blue eyeshadow in honor of i hope everyone on this show dies bc they are idiots.  

major plotholes and questions that i would like forwarded to hbo:

-why did the night king kill viserion when drago dragon was literally a poke away? some think it is because of the theory that bran is the night king. the theory is that bran goes back in time to try to prevent the white walkers from ever being made, even tho the only wisdom the orig three-eyed raven imparted on bran is THE INK OF THE PAST IS DRY, but bran is a dumb a-hole so not too unrealistic that he'd try to fuck more things up. so he go back in time and becomes entrapped while warging as the night king. he was warned already if he warg too hard he could get trapped... so maybe bran is the night king. maybe not. he gets trapped in the first white walker and then is pissed off so becomes evil and creates an army to kill all humans. (?) idk dumb theory but also do not explain why he would aim for viserion instead of the closer dragon who happens to be carry the woman controlling the dragons and all other living people. i will let this one go, but still annoying. 

-why didn't the night king kill jon snow + co with icicles while they were marooned? in a show where we know gods and magic exist, it isn't fun to explain bad writing with "it happened bc god willed it so." arguing the white walkers didn't attack because the night king is a greenseer is dumb writing. 

-how do the ravens travel so god damn fast. somehow gendry (he so hot) makes it back to the wall, sends a raven to dany, dany ride up those dragoms, and dragon ex machina save the whole day... no way in any world does a raven travel 1,000 in a couple hours. some dumbass nerd speculated that the men were on the island for four days before the dragon came... uh, no. there is no way they were there four days. some hbo asshole said they fudged the timeline and don't care. this is a billion dollar show and is not acceptable! i want jail time for this.

-where did the white walkers get the chains to retrieve viserion? i am least worried about this but i know a lot of ppl were annoyed with the chains and sophisticated orchestration of pulling a dragon out of a lake. there has to be some culture/life of white walkers? they wear badass armor and have state of the art weapons. where do white walkers live? where do baby white walkers go to school? there is probably a castle or something. a really cool ice village. they could have also got the chains from old wilding campsites. there are man-made things north of the wall. the show is annoyingly not giving us any info on the life or mythology of the white walkers. 

-arya and sansa plotline-- ugh. stop! this hot guy i recently added on fb wrote this thing almost funnier than my recap and on arya/sansa he says:

 lmao literally a lol 

lmao literally a lol 


because i have to suffer/you have to suffer: i recently found out that it is known jon snow has a small D. my friend was like "yeah, the creators confirmed jon snow's dick is small." i was taken aback so i googled "jon snow dick" and i hate the entire internet for this being a thing? this is toxic masculinity and i refuse. 

 SCREAM INTO THE ABYSS TIMES INFINITY 

SCREAM INTO THE ABYSS TIMES INFINITY 


our favorite gang of unwashed men are north of the wall and we get some real good dialogue. i was screaming. 

gendry: the north sucks. how do ppl live like this? 

tormund:

 #tbt to the time tormund fucked a bear 

#tbt to the time tormund fucked a bear 

 tormund reminds jon how many thousands of wildlings had to die bc mance was too damn proud to bend that knee. gendry is mad the brotherhood sold him to the red witch. the hound tells him to stop his bitching and defines the word 'whinging.' lolz. shut up, gendry. who amongst us wouldn't participate in a little blood letting to fuck melisandre, i ask you!

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i do love that gendry complains the ENTIRE time they are north of the wall. is me. <3

 jon tries to give jorah back longsword because it's been in the mormont fam for hundreds of years and jon is honorable. *eyeroll* maybe don't hand over the only valyrian steel sword until after the mission? god jon you literally know nothing. jorah declines but now he knows jon is a good boy and can give the thumbs up for dany to bone. jorah hopes the sword will eventually serve jon's children well. JON AND DANY ARE GOING TO BONE. 

 jorah would probz change the pommel to a dragon bc he's a fuck boy.&nbsp;

jorah would probz change the pommel to a dragon bc he's a fuck boy. 


arya recounts a sweet scene in her youth where she picked up a discarded bow and arrow and practiced shooting until she hit a bullseye and ned stark, hiding in the shadows, clapped with approval. arya wanted to be a knight but the world wanted her to be a princess. fuck gender rolls! 

 smash the patriarchy&nbsp;

smash the patriarchy 

she then turns to sansa and is like father was a good man. too bad you helped kill him, you two-timing lannister-sympathizing binch and reads allowed the letter she stole from littlefinger's room and threatens to show the lords of the north as proof that sansa... was once a scared child? 

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ARYA U R BEING MORE THAN UNREASONABLE. STOP. 

i imagine this is a convoluted play to get littlefinger to reveal he's an ass so they can kill him? where is bran. 


total fan servicing but i will take it: the hound & tormund strike up a bromance.

oh my god i want to be plowed by the hound + tormund bff like yesterday. 

beric is sexy af. he tells jon that he looks nothing like his father BECAUSE HE IS A TARGARYEN FORESHADOW ALERT BEEP BEEP BOOP and it isn't their business to know why the lord of light chose them. they are alive and must p r o t e c c.

death is the enemy-- the first enemy and the last. 

jon recalls his vows in the night's watch. i am the shield that guards the realms of men. 

p r o t e c c

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dany tells tyrion she likes him bc he is not a hero. diss heroes do stupid things and they die. kind of like how she stupidly flies all three of her dragoms north to save seven ppl. cuz that's not stupid. but i digress.

tyrion hints that jon wants to put his D in her P and dany is like, lol shup up no he doesn't. *smirks* she says jon is too little for her. diss

he accuses her of being impulsive sexism and pushes to discuss dany's successor and she gets rightfully pissed. she isn't even on the throne yet, chill. 


um. jon + co are attacked by a zombie polar bear and thoros gets his innards slashed open to save the hound. the hound looks on in disgust as thoros is ripped apart. oops.

beric: you alright, bud?

thoros: i just got bit by a dead bear.

beric: aye, you did. 

lolz

the polar did do me a fright, i must admit. later in the episode when thoros dies, the hound says he hears it is one of the better ways to go. freezing to death after succumbing to the bite wounds of an undead bear. probably the worst way to die?!

 lmao astute observation, gendry!

lmao astute observation, gendry!


skipping the part where sansa and lil finger talk about what a shit bag arya is bc snooze. sansa compares the loyalty of the northmen to a weathervanes. heh. kill them all, sansa!


they come across a white walker who is scouting with a small group of wights and they do an ambush. jon kills the white walker and all wights but one (<convenient) turn to dust. if you kill a white walker, all the wights they turned die as well. now we know the way to end the war is to kill the night king, who turned them all. 

tormund punches the lone wight in the face haha and they capture the zombie and put a bag over his head, but not before it screams and alerts the entire undead army. womp womp. smart plan, bros. the army descends and they force gendry off WITHOUT A WEAPON to alert dany? poor gendry. they take his hammer and send him off on his own. there are undead polar bears out here!

 haha!

haha!

the wights surround the men within seconds and the fight breaks out on a frozen lake. the ice cracks in a perfect circle around our beloved misfits and traps jon snow + crew on an island. oopsie doodles. we know the only way they are getting out of this is via dragon. 

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real quick... wtf is tormund's weapon! is hbo shitting me with this bullshit. 

 stop.&nbsp;

stop. 


gendry makes it to the wall and sends a raven to dany. the men are trapped on the island, going to freeze to death, and thoros dies. sorry, dude. r.i.p.

 sure is!

sure is!

jon exclaims dany is the only hope, and beric is like we know you have a raging boner for her, but there is another hope. 

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jon is like uh, the night king is scary af... you kill him! 

same. 


sansa sends brienne to king's landing bc this plot cannot get any stupider. 


dany gets gendry's raven in like, .02 seconds and flies off with ALL THREE DRAGGERS. we know one is gonna die bc duh. dany looks so good in her north of the wall apparel! wow. 10/10 beauts. tyrion begs her not to go. 

you can't win the throne if you're dead. 

shut up, tyrion, this whole plan to go north was your dumbass idea!

 drogon is a good boy.&nbsp;

drogon is a good boy. 


the hound decides to throw rocks at the zombies. ugh. one rock hits a zombo, the other skips on the ice and reveals the ice has frozeth over. thanks, clegane! the wights have some intellect, i guess? they realize they can cross the lake now and do. idk. i thought the white walkers controlled the wights. i am unsure if they wights are mindless or what. this show sucks.

tormund almost dies but is saved last minute by the hound. #bromance. the music slows as the zombies come in for the kill and all is lost until DRAGONS. *huge jerk off motion* dany saves them with one half of a second to spare and for some reason does not go for the night king at all? at no point does anyone think it smart to kill the night king. valar morghulis. 

dany asks jon to climb aboard the dragon but he walks off to kill more wights? maybe jon need three more kills to level up? his hesitance gives the night king time to kill a fucking dragon. 

thanks, bro!

 girl, you fucked up. but your hair looks good.

girl, you fucked up. but your hair looks good.

the death of viserion is terrifying. so much blood rains down before he slips into the icy depths of death lake. the other dragons are screaming and dany is like GOB BLUTH IVE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE. 

jon gets on the dragon and they fly away. jk. jon flexes at the night king and sees he is about to reach for another icicle to kill drogon so dany is forced to leave. they barely miss death, and jon is dragged into the icy lake by two zombers. r.i.p.

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jk! jon pulls himself out of the ice cold water. like, this is not real science and this whole scene is fake. but jon is undead himself so yolo. we see jon stammer around long enough for the wights to see him. like a true badass, uncle benjen rides in with his medieval mace thing and whoops some wight ass. benjen is kind of sexy. maybe getting fingered by cold hands would be fun but prob not. idk. benjen tells jon to shut up and sends him on horseback to the wall. why doesn't benjen go with jon? bc the show doesn't know what to do with benjen so kill him. eh. 

r.i.p., ned stark baby bro!

the hound takes the wight in a lil canoe and dany looks out over the wall in hopes jon will arrive and he does! one horn for a rider. BEEP.  

dany and jon get taken to a ship and she peeps jon's sick chest wound scars. she knows davos was not hyperbolizing about dying for his people. she knows now she real wants that D.

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sansa sneaks into arya's room and finds a messenger bag full of faces. cool. arya creeps up and demands to play the game of faces. arya threatens to cut off sansa's face and hands her a dagger. MMMKAY. 

faces.gif

jon awakes and dany is sitting bedside. he calls her dany, which is way too overfamiliar, and then apologizes for the loss of her child. you know, the dragon dying could have been made much more bearable if the reason they went to the north was to show dany the army and in doing so a dragon was killed. instead, it was killed to convince cersei. like. i can't. jon bends the knee and they make out. dany tells jon she is barren and they hold hands. there is a lot of sex tension. bran better not reveal his parentage. like, that little shit face hasn't done a damn thing all season. if the one thing he does this season is ruin my sex fantasy, i will burn hbo to the ground.

THEY ARE GOING TO GET MARRY AND HAVE INCEST BABIES. 


viserion is pulled out of the lake and turned into a white walker. oh shit! the wall is coming down.

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diddle knabb is the mother of dragons of chihuahuas. she lives in chicago with her 3yr old son and two dogs, marvin and salome.