season 7 episode 5: eastwatch
the army of dead is at the east wall and jon snow decides to... take a group of men north of the wall to capture a zombie to convince cersei winter is coming. spoiler alert: what the fuck writing is this?!
fuck / marry / kill
does he scare me? a little. would i fuck that ginger snap? yep! i like men a little bit dirty and the beard really does it for me. in an episode full of people agreeing to dumb shit, tormund is keeping it real. when davos fills him in on the mission, tormund beautifully responds: isn't it your job to talk him out of stupid fucking ideas.
amen, sir. honoroable mention: gendry. <3
this show is making me break with my charade of pretending to hate davos. fine-- he is funny and gives the best advice and is the only person who actively tries to stop the pointless mission north. his "i thought you might still be rowing" line to gendry, who hasn't been seen in four seasons, was hilarious. i wouldn't actually marry ser davos because he is 100 yrs old, but slim pickins this episode!
this really could have gone to anyone.
tyrion- contrives this cockeyed plan to go north of the wall.
dany- cosigns on that plan.
jon- offers to go himself. ??!
jaime- still trusts cersei. how and why.
but jorah, he has no business going north of the wall. his dad was notoriously hated and responsible for killing hundreds of wildlings. he JUST had a layer of skin scraped off with a scalpel like, yesterday, but he volunteers to go north of the wall (which he has never been) to retrieve a wight (which he has never seen) for dany. why? because he is a goddamn kiss ass. his wounds are still oozing pus, but he can sense a boner between jon + dany and wants to die for her to prove his boner is the purest. f-r-i-e-m-d-z-o-n-e 4 life, bruh!
before i start the playback, let's talk about this mission north. it is so unfathomably stupid. the whole premise of the quest is to convince cersei to stop scheming until the issue of the end of mankind is dealt with. this is not a compelling reason! who cares is cersei believes them. her bodyguard is an undead mountain, do they really think that will phase her. omg why is this happening.
tyrion, who is batting zero with his war plans for dany, decides the best action is to convince cersei the army of dead is real. ~no one will fight for something they don't believe in.~ um, okay. stupid plan. cersei doesn't give two fucks about the army of the dead! davos is like the fuck is happening. jorah, fragile and recovering from terminal illness, volunteers to go. jon then decides he will also go north and bring back a wight to show cersei. the logistics aside, why the fuck would the KING go and do this? send ed sheeran, literally anyone else but the king of the north. d u m b. how will this work? they don't have any plan for how they will transport the zombie and are going to wing it. never mind that the night king seems to have some supernatural all-knowing insight on what happens in the north, they plan to sneak up and snatch a wight and peace out. mmmmmmmmK.
as stupid as this all is, the worst transgression of the episode is that when they do go north of the wall in the worst winter of all time, none of them are wearing hats. whomst, sirs, raised you!?!
having just charged a pissed off dragon, the last shot we saw of jaime is him sinking fast in full armor to the bottom of a river. so, DID HIM DIED?
nope. bronn and jaime swim to shore like 2 miles away, safely out of dany's reach. bronn makes a joke about his allegiance to the lannisters ending at dragons, and they make their way back to king's landing. the fuck? we are willing to suspend a lot to watch this show-- fire breathing dragoms? seems legit. getting turned on by incest? cool. but this scene is not real and this is some lazy ass writing.
dany gives the lannister army a choice-- fight for me, or die. lmao. i am still team khaleesi. the show is really playing with the idea that dany is becoming her father and i hope not. she had to eat a horse heart-- just let her live her life. she tells the remaining army to bend the knee and after drogon flexes, they all pop a squat except for those damn tarly men.
sam's dad and brother refuse to obey and choose death. poor dickon, what a dope. tyrion tries to convince dany not to burn them alive and she tells him to shut up.
it's super cool to see them turn to ash but admittedly, the optics are bad. dany's dad went down trying to burn every damn body alive, so maybe she should not, but. she is the mother of dragons. i say hell yes. what else is she supposed to do? cersei blew up half the city and no one gave a fuck. burn those little bimches.
jaime makes it back to the red keep and has the unfortunate task of telling cersei that dany killed everyone and oh, btw, olenna murdered joffrey. oops! would personally rather charge dragon.
he tries to convince her the war is something they cannot win and she is like no shit, you asshole, but i sit on her daddy's throne and you murdered her pa. we fight and die or we submit and die. i know my choice. a soldier should know his.
JON MEET THE DRAGON. i loved this scene and wish jon would have shed one single tear. i once pet a really large horse so can imagine how scary it was for jon to approach a god damn dinosaur. prob shaking in his boots. technically jon and drogon are cousins and i love how turned on dany got by jon booping that dragon's snoot. she's like aren't they cute and jon is like uh, yeah. 10/10 boop.
jon doesn't love that dany burned men to ash and she reminds him that sometimes strength is terrible. she asks him what davos meant when he said jon took a knife to the heart and before that gets explored, motherfucking jorah prances up.
wooooooooooo boy the sex tension. jon knows jorah was sent into exile for being a scumbag and jon was the son daddy mormont never had. they fought together at the wall and jon is slinging the mormont family sword. *awkward* jorah doesn't seemed pleased that another fuckboy has made his way into dany's life. the only reasonable solution is for jon and jorah to sword fight with their wieners. *bangs gavel*
bran is warging as a raven and sees the army of the dead near the east wall. the night king looks at the bird flock and gives bran a spook. idk why that scene cracks me up. bran has ravens sent to jon and the citadel. the maesters receive brans letter first and are making a mockery of it. the maesters are supposed to be the wisest people in the world and so far they have been the most unhelpful? sam unsuccessfully convinces professor slughorn that the dead are real. oh welp! jon receives the raven next and this is when they decide to go capture a wight. BREATHES FIRE.
why does dany just leave to help jon? there is this huge tension that dany can't help jon because cersei will march in and take it all back if dany abandons her post but like... who cares. dany can hop on a dragon and take it all back. does holding casterly rock really take priority over the night king? there is no logic to any of these plans and it makes it that much harder to swallow.
okay so there is a long time fan theory that the white walkers will kill a dragon and then resurrect it and have a dead dragon on their side. bad ass, right? i am feeling like dany is going to have to go north on a dragon to save jon and then one of her dragons is going to die. i think it will be cool to see a dragon that breathes ice, but it will be so unsatisfying if a dragon is killed over this dumb ass mission. ugh. WRITE BETTER.
the entire north is pissed jon left and keep suggesting sansa take over as king of the north. arya gets mad that sansa didn't chop their heads off for disrespecting jon and then accuses sansa of secretly wishing jon dies so she can take control. um. okay. i like the sisterly drama but seems overboard.
the starks-- quick tempers, slow minds.
NEXT IDIOT SCHEME: davos is going to smuggle tyrion into king's landing so he can sneak a meeting and ask jaime to convince cersei to agree to an armistice. AHhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
bronn sets up the meeting between tyrion and jaime and they talk. it is the first time we see jaime and tyron together since tywin was killed, and i just can't get over the ridiculous reason for the meeting long enough to enjoy their reunion. tyrion points out that tywin was going to have him killed, so lay off with the you killed father crap. tyrion is able to convince jaime to ask cersei for a timeout.
in flea bottom, we are reunited with gendry. for the last four years gendry has been making swords for the lannisters and is more than happy to get the fuck out of town. he grabs his really cool hammer i love the nod to robert baratheon here. like father, like som.
some guards try to start shit as tyrion, gendry and davos attempt to flee and gendry bashes their brains in with the hammer. gendry is good at bashing brains in. duh, he makes swords all day. his muscles are large. the most troubling part of their departure is that davos is hauling a whole boat of fermented crab that is supposed to act as... viagra. where did he get this crab! why and how.
doing me an upset!
cersei knows tyrion snuck into the city and met with jaime. she asks jaime if he is going to punish bronn for betraying him, aka bronn is dead in a ditch somewhere, and she reveals she is pregnant AND jaime is the father AND she plans on telling everyone jaime is the father and if they don't like it they can eat shit. the lion doesn't concern himself with the opinions of sheep.
you can say that again!
gendry is now part of the ragtag group heading north of the wall. he and jon meet, bastard to bastard, and it is sweet. their fathers were best friends and they exchange purity rings. bros 4 life!
at the citadel, gilly makes the biggest revelation in the entire history show and sam throws a diaperbaby tantrum and misses it.
gilly: someone named prince ragger had his marriage annulled and then married another woman in a secret ceremony in dorne... is that common for your people?
sam: gilly, SHUP. UP.
bran previously confirmed the theory that R+L=J and gilly confirms that prince rhaegar and lyanna stark were wed which means
jon is no snow! he is not only not a bastard, but as the son of rhaegar, he is the rightful heir of the seven kingdoms. whoop whoop. dany gonna be pissed.
sam leaves the citadel because he is tired of cleaning shit out of buckets (fair) and steals a couple scrolls before they bounce.
the writers don't know what to do with littlefinger so they are pitting him against... children. he has been smirking his way through this season without doing an actual thing, so i guess it's cool to see him in "action." arya is mad at sansa for being a pretty princess and has been tailing lord bae around winterfell. idk why she doesn't just kill sansa and use her face to spy on littlefinger, but instead she loudly rummages through his chambers and finds this note:
lord baelish is actually a meme lord-- a shocking twist for the writers to introduce this late in the game. the note is the same one cersei forced sansa to write urging rob to bend the knee and arya's suspicions are confirmed. sansa is a power hungry binch. *huge jerk off motion* i predict arya will find out it was petyr who attempted to have bran killed and will execute him with the catspaw dagger. womp. womp. idk, hard for me to care about this story arc. arya and lord bae are two of my favorite characters and am still not feeling this plot line. d u m b.
jon goes straight to the wall because stopping at winterfell, which is literally on the way, is a waste of time? no time to rest/let his people know what is happening/see his siblings before he embarks on a journey that will likely kill him... this makes sense. why stop to ask bran, person who knows the history of everything, for hot tips before leaving.
to be fair, jon has already made a huge ass of himself as king of the north. i bet if he went home to tell his people he is going north of the wall that lyanna mormont would slit his throat. she wouldn't be wrong, too.
tormund agrees to help and let's them know that the hound, beric dondarion and the other guy are locked in a cell at the wall. the three had tried to go north of the wall and were captured by wildlings. we don't know why the wanted to go north of the wall. the lord of light told them to... would be nice if we knew what was motivating the major characters in the show. oh well!
everyone in the group has a reason to hate each other. the band of brothers sold gendry to the red woman. the wildlings hate jorah because of their long, bloody history with his father. jon snow sucks. but they all have to fight for a greater purpose so it works and we are rooting for them?
who is going to die? there is no way they all return back from this mission, but the way this show is going.... i doubt they will capture a wight. gendry was just reintroduced and needs to reunite with arya at some point. we want the hound to live so he can fight his brother. jon and dany need to sex. jorah and the brothers can die, i guess. i hope they all die because they are d u m b.
wouldn't it be cool if for once in this show if the characters talked to each other. like what if the hound mentioned to jon that he traveled with arya for months. or jorah mentioned sam had cured him of greyscale. what. if!
that episode was a pile of turds but the tonight will at least give us fire sword. wow o wow do i love this shot!
diddle knabb is the mother of dragons of chihuahuas. she lives in chicago with her 3yr old son and two dogs, marvin and salome.