season 7 episode 3: the queen's justice (or jaime got cucked)
only a week late with this recap! I started two new jobs and my kid is really annoying, so i haven't had time to do this post. he's been doing this new thing at bedtime where he gets out of bed every five minutes to ask for a hug. he's at his dad's half the week so when he is with me he's literally up my butthole 24/7. he'll creep out of bed and peek his head around the corner and when i sot him he says, "momma, i need a big hug." he is a known manipulator so i tell him to shut up and go to bed. repeat x800 billion.
and here we go!
fuck / marry / kill
cersei, uh duh. power looks good on cersei! i had kind of written her off as a lost cause but i was wrong. she is getting shit done. i will do anything for jaime/cersei sex and boy did she deliver. *smacks jaime's ass*
thank god they gave tyrion good lines this episode! remember how funny tyrion used to be? anymore he just stands around and nods. tyrion is my marry not only for this episode, but for all the series. funny, smart, loyal, debaucherous and i imagine it would be a satisfying marriage. and he's good at sex.
the fuck, bran?! of all the things he could have said to sansa. ever hear of a trigger warning, buddy.
omg this episode was so good! there were like at least 50 wow o wow moments. jon and daenerys finally meet and they have super hot sex. jay kay. but the meeting of fire and ice is satisfying. jon rolls up to the craphole island and is sporting a man bun and a fuck ton of animal pelt. he is in the south and at no point in the episode does jon remove his coat. it's weird! jon and ser davos are met by a bunch of dothraki and missandei.
ser davos: i can't place your accent--
missandei: please don't talk to me.
ser davos to j-sno: things have changed around here!
uh okay. lmao. why does davos get to talk so much? he isn't qualified and almost everything he says is "i am no expert, BUT, mansplains into infinity." sit your ass down, onion man. we all know a guy who talks like this and that guy is an asshole.
missandei introduces dany, who is sitting on the throne with impeccable hair, by her various names of birthright and acts of white saviorism. davos is like erp derp this is jon snow. oh brother. this is why we shouldn't employ men to do anything.
jon and dany start to fuck in front of everyone. she orgasms first and tosses jon's body out of the window to be eaten by her dragons, but suddenly jon rises from the sea on the back of lizard and reveals he is also a targaryen. a phoenix sings a sweet song and they fuck again. that didn't happen, but what if it did? it would have, if i ruled the ocean.
dany demands jon bend the knee and jon is like no offense but fuck you. she mansplains the definition of 'perpetuity' to davos and it is hilarious. i have mocked jon in the past for not emphasizing enough that the dead are marching to end humanity, but when he finally does do it, it's too embarrassing! i almost feel bad for him, but he's a fuckboy so whatevs. jon is not going to bend the knee and i feel pretty damn bad that dany once again has to prove herself to some dumb dude. she had three full grown dragons and still has to keep on churning out miracles. there is a stubborn back and forth about who has suffered more, and davos is like LEAVE JON ALONE, HE WAS STABBED TO DEATH. davos, once again, fucks up. you don't just admit you were brought back to life after a child plunged a dagger into your heart for treason on the first date. jon looks at him like come on, dude, please shut the fuck up and dany dismisses them.
you're not my prisoner, yet. *boom sauce*
euron is strutting through king's landing with his hostages and all the commoners are applauding and shouting WHORE because misogyny and euron calls theon a twat. wow, i used to hate euron, but he is keeping it too real! would hate fuck. cersei is presented her prisoners and she grabs euron by the crotch and tells him he will have what his heart desires, once the war is won. then EURON ASKS JAIME IF CERSEI LIKES A FINGER IN THE BUTT. jaime's monocle pops off and he is left standing there like a sad cuck mcduck. woof!
ellaria sand and her favorite daughter are chained in a room together and cersei is wearing bright pink lipstick, so you know shit is about to go down. the mountain and that other guy are also in the room, and cersei toys with the idea of having the mountain crush their heads open like oberyn's. she recounts how beautiful oberyn looked the day his brains were splattered across the pavement, and there is a vulnerable moment when cersei asks ellaria why she killed innocent, sweet myrcrella. myrcella didn't deserve to die and we feel a pang of sadness for cersei, until she reveals she is going to keep ellaria alive in this cell to watch her daughter's corpse decompose. cersei kisses baby sand snake and poisons her the same way ellaria poisoned myrcella.
your daughter will die here in this cell, and you will be here watching when she does. you'll be here the rest of your days. if you refuse to eat, we'll force food down your throat. you will live to watch your daughter rot. to watch that beautiful face collapse to bone and dust.
damn, girl! that is some poetic justice. we are probably supposed to think cersei is a heinous monster, how many dungeons are currently being occupied by enemies she is slowly torturing, but i am so team cersei. get that sick, sweet revenge.
high off the endorphins of murdering a child, cersei seeks out jaime and starts to suck his dick. that is not my fantasy, it for real happened. she pulled down his pants and started to S that D. THANK THE OLD GODS AND THE NEW. #bless
a chambermaid comes to the door the next morning and cersei opens the door with a fresh fucked jaime still in the bed. she's like i am queen of the seven kingdoms and yolos it. good for her. the chambermaid has the same haircut as cersei and i guess she forces her servants to have the same hairstyle as her.
a banker from bravos is in town and basically tells cersei the lannisters are broke and dany has three dragons. cersei needs money to win the war and points out that dany is a revolutionary and there is no money to be made from freeing slaves, and she has a huge dragon-slaying crossbow. he nods. check mate, asshole.
back in dragonstone, jon snow is brooding on the edge of a cliff because he is useless. tyrion shows up over and remarks that jon looks sexy when he broods and tells him that asking dany to abandon her mission to obtain the iron throne and help the north fight the dead was a stupid request, and he should start smaller. tyrion tells dany she is being annoying and should give jon the dragonglass as a nice gesture. jon and dany are insufferably hard-headed. tyrion has two funny lines and tries to pass off his own quote as ancient wisdom. he convinces dany that jon wouldn't have come south to meet her if he didn't have a good reason, so prob the dead are real. jon and dany do not have sex, even though they could if they wanted.
sansa is in charge now and is walking through winterfell tossing out orders like a boss ass binch. littlefinger has a real sexy hair thing going on. it's like a half white half black and i would do any number of nasty things to call him daddy. he is clever and tells sansa not to disregard cersei. that she needs to mentally prepare herself for any outcome to happen at any time, so that she is never caught off guard. i would push someone out of the moon door to touch lord baelish's peen.
bran shows up at winterfell and it is a touching scene. approximately 100,000 people have died since sansa has seen her little brother and there are some feels. bran is going through an emo phase and they sit together by the weirwood tree. my chemical romance plays softly in the background as sansa and bran catch up.
bran: i am the three-eyed raven. you've probably never heard of it.
sansa: i don't know what that means.
bran: you wouldn't.
sansa: i wish jon was here.
bran: ah yes. i have something important to tell jon. *does not tell sansa jon is a targaryen* i am sorry you were brutally raped in our home. you looked so beautiful on your wedding day.
sam has cured jorah and jorah is free to find dany-- whoop de doo. i don't know when i started to hate jorah so much. i used to love that old bastard. my thing is rugged old men, but there is just something annoying about his devotion to dany. f r i e n d z o n e f o r l i f e. the old maester gives sam a bunch of old moldy scrolls to transcribe and they better effing have some history of the white walkers that we need to know, or else i'm gonna be so mad.
dany's armies are at the impenetrable casterly rock and tyrion reveals that while they should not be able to take the city, he designed the sewers so that he could sneak whores in and out without his father knowing. LOL. the unsullied ease in through a hole in the wall and take the city, but jaime has marched the army to high garden. euron burns dany's fleet and high garden is taken by the lannister army. tyrion is real fucking up daenerys' rise to power. eep. he isn't a war strategist, but they are putting all their eggs in that basket i guess.
and so we have the greatest death in the series so far, olenna tyrell. jaime meets her in a gorgeous tower and gives her a bottle of poison so that she may die peacefully. he explains that cersei wanted to whip her through the streets and have her flayed alive, but he talked her out of it. they chat about what a monster cersei is. jaime doesn't want to hear it, but olenna is ruthless. she tells him that cersei is a disease and will be the end of him, and jaime is like you don't know her like i do! olenna slams the posion and reveals she is the one who killed joffrey. jaime lannister, cucked again!
i'd hate to die like your son. clawing at my neck, foam and bile spilling from my mouth, eyes bloodred. skin purple. must have been horrible for you, as a kingsguard. as a father. it was horrible enough for me. a shocking scene. not at all what i intended. you see, i had never seen the poison work.
it looks like gendry is in the next episode, which makes sense since jon has a bunch of weapons to make, and it is becoming obvious that daenerys will have to use her dragons. her advisors keep pleading that it is unsafe for her to ride them, but aegon did not conquer the seven kingdoms by not riding his dragons. we shall see!
diddle knabb is the mother of dragons of chihuahuas. she lives in chicago with her 3yr old son and two dogs, marvin and salome.