season 7 episode 4: the spoils of war
it is quite possible that we will all be nuked to death before we find out who rules the iron throne. for those of us who survive the nuclear holocaust, we will be chilling in our post-apocalyptic bunker eating old beans out of a can and reminiscing about the good old days when we had cable OR SOMETHING. everything feels frivolous right now, especially a recap of a tv show, but we need to have something to distract ourselves.
i asked him to say that. did not ask for the double nose dive. the world is garbage but at least this episode was good!
fuck / marry / kill
wish i could say littlefinger but all he does is stand against walls and smirk. (still fine, tho) bronn is the voice of the people. he is sexy, always keeping it real, doesn't give af about any of these rich assholes-- he just wants a nice castle to settle down and start a family. i like men who know how to act in an emergency, and bronn was the only guy not shitting his pants when dany rolled up on a draggo doggo. 10/10 would suck his sellsword.
remember when jaime had long hair and was pushing children out of towers? i have always liked jaime. his men are being burnt to literal ash and he doesn't flee, instead he charges a full grown dragom. stupid, yes! but he just wants the carnage to end so he can go home and fuck his sister. get a man who can do both. both being maim children and incest, i guess.
bronn. he tried to kill a dragon. whom the fuck do you think u r, sir?
the episode picks up on the battlefield somewhere outside of highgarden. i no longer know where anything is happening geographically or how time works in this show. jaime is moody because the ghost of olenna tyrell is following him around and keeps whispering CERSEI IS A DISEASE in his ear. *awkward* he knows tyrion didn't kill joffrey and now has to confront his scary ass sister and he doesn't really want to deal with it. bronn is pissed because once again he doesn't get the castle. instead jaime is like, "you don't want that castle, it's so fancy! go shake down farmers instead. you'll be great." 😒 😒 😒
cersei and the iron bank duder are chit-chatting about gold. this scene is boring and i don't have any funny jokes about it. cersei mentions she wants to hire the golden company to retrieve things that belong to her. does she mean the seven kingdoms... sansa? who knows. we will prob find out soon. in the books the golden company has a much larger role, but basically they are a fierce and skilled army for hire that have never broken a contract. in season one, robert baratheon suggests hiring them to kill dany, but they decide it is too expensive. the origins of the golden company have targaryen roots-- so i don't know how they will play this out. too lazy to theorize!
cersei is trying to hire a badass army and the iron bank is willing to back her.
i read up on a lot of game of thrones theories and none interesting about the golden company. one "interesting" theory does speculate that dany will marry robin arryn from the eyrie, so you know, death to whoever made that up.
back in winterfell, littlefinger is trying to persuade the children to get in his van. he is definitely not a creep and if they follow him, he has candy and puppies to give them. if they keep his boring ass plot line up, i will only resentfully call him daddy.
lord bae gives bran the knife that was meant to slit his throat in season 1 and bran is like:
ouch. must suck to suck. we know the dagger once belonged to aegon because earlier in the season gilly is pawing through some moldy book at the citadel and there is a handy illustration of the dagger with AEGON written all caps on the page. aegon as in the OG dragon rider who made the seven kingdoms. dope.
arya returns to winterfell and i really feel bad for sansa! jon is a demigod, arya is a trained assassin for some malevolent god of death, bran is a tree wizard and sansa is like: "they should be putting leather on that armor. we need more grain!" her super power is talking down to stupid men/ feeding them to dogs. helpful, but not as impressive.
arya and sansa have always disliked each other and then suddenly arya shows up, has a list of people she's murdered, laments that she didn't murder joffrey herself, fights brienne and doesn't immediately die. i don't know if anyone has even bothered to tell arya that the dead is a thing because sansa is pissed at her cool skills. poor sansa is standing there with a stick up her butt as bran welcomes arya into a warm embrace, unlike their reunion where he stared forlornly at the falling snow and reminded her she was once married to ramsey. arya walks in and bran is like OH HEY! i thought you'd be on your way to kill cersei. have this dagger! i've got no need for it, being that i will soon be a tree.
arya and brienne fighting. <3
so there is this massive mountain of dragonstone that needs to be forged into weapons, but first jon has to take dany into a cave at the base to "show her something." the last time jon was in the cave he ate the pussy, so my privates were aflutter!
inside the cave, jon has scribbled some symbols in chalk and to try to convince dany the children of the forest once worked with the first men to defeat the white walkers. he touches dany's hand and i got wet. dany promises to fight for him, if he bends the knee. jon tells her he totally would, but he literally just took a knife to the heart for betraying his people and sansa already want to whoop him for going to meet her, so...
lmao she is not going to stop with the bend the knee thing. jon and dany are going to get married, eliminating the need for any knees to be bent for non-sex purposes. OMG PLZ HAVE SEX.
i don't feel like people are hyping the sex tension between dany and jon enough. if you are team "ew, she is his aunt." then literally fuck you. fuck. you.
they exit the cave and tyrion breaks the bad news. i am not actually a war strategist so i don't know why anyone has been listening to my battle plans all this time. dany is pissed and accuses him of being a traitor and she asks jon what he would do. he tells her like, not using her dragoms to burn people to ash is a good start.
she does it anyway. 😎
all i want to talk about is the sex vibes between jon and dany. incestry.com is my only fantasy right now, but there were two godly moments this scene. missandei tells dany that greyworm better not die because lots has happened between them. dany is like, get it girl. then ser davos grammar corrects jon snow and accuses him of staring at khaleesi's boobies. YES PLZ MORE of this always. jon does not deny that they are good boobs, instead he says there is no time for frivolity.
💦 winter is not the only thing that is coming. 💦
theon returns to ask dany to save his sister and is met by jon. theon has not seen jon since he betrayed his entire family and so he says the best line ever written: "i didn't know you'd be here."
lmao, too real, reek!
D R A C A R Y S
the gold has made its way back to king's landing and now the soldiers are just lugging a fuckload of grain back to feed the people. we meet samwell's dad again (total dick- yikes) and his adorable brother dickon. poor dickon didn't know men shit their pants when they die, and neither did we, but bronn not ever gonna let us down. boy do i love that greasy man.
bronn hears a storm of dothraki and on the horizon like, every dothraki ever appears as well as dany on the back of a dragon. we all shit our pants. the dothraki are standing on the backs of horses and shooting arrows, drogon burns everything to a crisp, and i am just screaming the entire time. total annihilation. tyrion is watching from a hill (?) and one dothraki jokes that the lannister army can't fight for shit. lol
men are running around on fire with their faces bubbling off while jaime sits and does nothing. bronn loads up the giant crossbow and shoots drogon in the armpit. dany parks her dragon in the middle of an active battlefield (?) to pull out the arrow, because that makes sense. she i swearing no armor and doesn't even have a dragon saddle. like, i can't. can someone give her a dagger at least? jaime tries to charge dany because he is a fucking idiot and drogon yells fire at him. bronn saves jaime again and they sink to the bottom of a suspiciously deep lake.
i really half-ass the last part because i have to eat these chicken fries before the next episode airs in five minutes and i can't eat burger king while men are licking their dragon burns or what have you.
diddle knabb is the mother of dragons of chihuahuas. she lives in chicago with her 3yr old son and two dogs, marvin and salome.