Season 7 Episode 2: Stormborn
this morning i asked my ex-husband what he thought of last night's episode and he said it was as good as last week, the premiere in which arya killed an entire house of scrubs in a single toast. wrong again, doggo.
boy o boy this episode. this episode sucked. i took a rip off a bong and was practically drooling while watching this fuckery unfold, and even that didn't ease the pain. this is what we get when we hand over the reigns to two white guys who think it is a good idea to make an alternate reality what-if show about the confederates winning the civil war. no thamk you.
fuck/marry/kill epsiode 2
euron? i guess. i personally am not going to be fucking him because he is a gross pig but surely someone on this earth would be willing. uncle nasty left to find cersei an invaluable gift and is returning ellaria sand. jaime-- prepare to get cuckold.
varys. dany threatens to burn him with fire and he's like, "child, sit your ass down." lololol
the entire north. jon tells them there is a mountain of dragonglass waiting to be mined and three motherfucking dragoms just chilling over at stannis island and instead of immediately marching to beg dany to save their asses, they decide to stay put and wait for mass slaughter. goodbye, plebs, ya done fucked up.
the episode begins with dany brooding over the map of westeros that stannis had previously fucked melisandre on as he pounded a shadow demon into her guts. she is pissed because storm's end is boring af, the wifi connection sucks and costs $14 a day, and she is stuck in this dank ass room with her band of misfit ragamuffin counselors who apparently do not know how to war. she keeps taking cheap shots at varys who is like "binch i lived in the streets and served like twenty kings i don’t no need man" and her eyebrows look great as usual.
melisandre happens to be in the neighborhood because the lord of light and requests a meeting. dany and melisandre start clacking in high valyrian.
melisandre: please, the entire human race is in danger. there is an army of dead who are commanded by some very scary white ppl. thousands of zombies. jon fought them north of a wall and an avalanche of skeletons just kept falling down this cliff and they killed everyone. jon barely made it out and brought some wildlings with him. there is this one wildling who keeps trying to sex brienne. the night watch killed jon for fraternizing with the wild folk, and i brought him back to life. i don't know how it did it, the god i worship is on some weird demon sex and death shit, but you are the prince who was promised! the long night is here.
dany: i am no princ--
missandei: actually, we don't gender our nouns in valyria, so...
dany: i see. how do i know i can trust you?
melisandre: *does a twirl and reveals herself to be a 700yr old hag*
dany: say no more.
of course that didn't happen because this is trump's america and instead melisandre vaguely hints that jon knows what a clit is and dany nods appreciatively. she says she will consider mashing genitals with j-snow as long as he bends the knee.
in winterfell, jon receives word from tyrion inviting him to storm's end. sansa is like, um, i literally just fed my ex to a ravenous pack of dogs and i am not trying to get into any more lannister bullshit. ser davos of house McOnion comes to the brilliant conclusion that dragons = fire and fire = death to the police. or undead. whatever. and urges them to seek out the mother of dragos. as usual, his claim to fame is stating the most obvious answer that every other powerful person in the room seems to have glossed over. no one seems to care davos is talking.
for some reason people are still afraid of cersei and she has power even though her hair looks awful and she doesn't have a pot to piss in. she demands loyalty from a bunch of old men who are life PFFFFFFTTT and jaime somehow smoothes them over.
jaime: hey, i know you don't like my sister on account of she is a psychopath who blew up a church and committed the greatest act of terrorism in history, but if you help us out there's some land in it for you.
some old white man: but the targaryen girl. she has dragons!
jaime: we have been working on a weapon. *winks*
at the citadel, samwise is still being treated like a bag of dicks. determined to cure jorah of his scabies, sam tells professor slughorn that he's found a cure for dragonpox. professor slughorn is tells him to shut up and forget about it. because jorah was noble once, they are giving him an extra day before they ship him off to die. literal lol.
the weapon to end the dragons is a giant crossbow and i truly can't with this show. cersei destroys an impressive dragon skull because she doesn't respect history.
daenerys' counsel now includes a bunch of pissed off women, which i am here for, but they are all hung up on murdering cersei. *huge jerk off motion* tyrion reveals some whack-a-doodle plan to split the army? in private, olenna tells dany that men are completely useless and dany smirks. \m/ we are taking over now!
i am not mathematician, but i am willing to bet no one in this country's top 5 dream bones would be missandei and greyworm.
they spent like ten hours on this scene. remember the good days when jaime was plowing cersei and then pushed a child out of a window? make game of thrones bone again!
later that night jorah sits topless, prob just jerked off, and writes dany a letter.
my friend mark made that joke while watching last night but i am taking the credit because plagiarizing doesn't count if it's stolen from a man.
anyway- sam wheels in with a cart of diseased looking tools and tells jorah he is going to help cure him. all he has to do is scalpel off a thick layer of skin and pour some rubbing alcohol on the raw flesh and asks him not to scream because ppl are trying to sleep around here. haha GOOD.
she. does. not. want. you. jorah. just. die. already. you. sad. man.
sam peels off the greyscale and pus oozes from jorah's withered old flesh. i vomited, and the scene pans into a shot of some dude eating a bread bowl with pus-colored soup. what asshole decided that this season was THE season of cheap gross out factor? can we put that guy in jail please. last episode's chamber pot montage should have been punishable by law, and it just keeps on going. cheap humor for men's rights activists, i guess.
this is already half the episode.
arya meets with hot pie and is trying to enjoy a meal but he won't stop bugging her. she is about to put in her headphones when he reveals ramsey is dead and jon is king of the north, and she decides to reunite with her fam instead of murdering cersei. hot pie concludes that he can't believe he ever thought arya was a boy because she is kind of pretty. off screen, arya kills hot pie because boys who neg grow up to be gaslighting, manipulative punks.
jon pulls the leaders of the north together to tell them he is going to visit dany to hitch his wagon to her dragons and that samwell has proof of a mountain of dragonglass. samwell actually has an ancient illustration of maybe a mountain of dragonglass that he spotted in some dusty ass book-- but no one else is doing anything to help so whatever. sansa is pissed because she already told jon no and here he is trying to fuck shit up again. the north rallies against jon. once a bastard always a bastard! the way they see it, heading south to make weapons out of dragonglass to prevent themselves from mass genocide seems like a risk. UM. OKAY.
jon dramatically puts sansa in charge for the time being, but didn't bother to tell her this was his plan beforehand because he is useless. why was jon brought back to life? littlefinger has is trying to conceal his erection but too late cuz jon saw.
jon is hanging out in the tombs of winterfell, probably stepped away to fart, and littlefinger rolls up to remind him of his boner. i know you hated your stepmom for emotionally abusing you, but she was hot and sansa is even hotter. honestly guys, this scene is truly too much. jon pulls a "you better not fuck my sister, bro!" at the bones of his ancestors.
the showrunners didn't care to explain what the fuck they were thinking with this unfathomable outburst, but i found some bonus footage:
littlefinger has been smirking and throwing eyeballs at sansa for several episodes now, and we really wanted to emphasize how much it annoys jon.
to pull off the shot, kit harrington was really going to have to convey how badly he does not want this dude sleeping with his sister. the moment his hand clutches aidan's throat and lifted him six inches off the ground... it was really an emotional scene.
my crotch enjoyed jon's incestual man-rage over sansa, but this scene of machismo was so out of character. jon doesn't grab people by the throats and threaten them. we already know that littlefinger does not care or respond to threat of physical force. littlefinger has fucked over everyone who has tried to intimidate him with violence. this scene is stupid. why did this happen. jon snow storms away. littlefinger whispers loser says what.
arya is in the woods with her horse and SPOOK. she finds herself surrounded by a pack of wolves.
this really is the most unforgivable part of the episode. arya is reuinted with her direwolf nymeria. we haven't seen nymeria since the first season. joffrey was being a sick little fuck and nymeria did him a bitten. there was barely a scratch, but joffrey pulled a malfoy and demanded the head of buckbeak. arya told nymeria to scram, so sansa's wolf took the heat. :(
we have always known nymeria was wolfing about in the woods and that the time would come for them to be reunited. there are few things i love more than watching a soldier get reunited with their dog, and hbo done fucked this up.
the wolf pack shows up and then a jumbo wolf approaches. this is nymeria, right?! how many direwolves are there. i mean, we haven't seen nymeria in almost a decade. what does she look like? what is going on!
it's nymeria. arya is like fuck yeah girl let's go home! but the wolf walks off indifferently and arya whispers it's not you.
the scene is... weird? the showrunners explain this is an homage to the first season when arya tells her father she is not cut out for basic bitch life. nymeria, it would seem, doesn't give af about tag teaming with an assassin-- she's got her own pack now. arya shrugs it off like r e s p e c c.
HUH?! ALLUDING TO A THROWAWAY LINE IN SEASON ONE. THIS IS ASKING TOO MUCH OF THE AUDIENCE, SIRS, GIVE US OUR TENDER MOMENT. i am rage. officially fuck this episode.
tyrion has split dany's army and sent the fleet of ships to dorne because he is not a war strategist and doesn't know what he is doing and i just don't understand why this is happening. yara, theon, and the ellaria are sitting below deck and ellaria is enjoying taunting theon. she spreads yara's legs apart and strokes yara's labia through her pants and yara does this face:
theon is like please just fucking kill me and his prayers are answered. euron has come and to kill the gaping plothole that is dorne. this scene, also, is dumb. euron is splattered in blood and is killing all the people we don't care about. oh no-- that one daughter from dorne with no character development is dead. and now the other one. darn!
euron shouts "here's johnny!" and grabs yara by the throat. there are embers floating in the air and time stops. yara's life in is theon's hands.
theon looks left:
theon looks right:
and he abandons ship. see ya!
i am team theon here because what is theon supposed to do?! first of all, he looks like a goat.
my son also looks like a goat. what is with these men.
and euron is this crazy beast of a man. there is no way theon is taking him and saving yara. i would jump off the boat as well. #yolo
here is my major malfunction: theon and yara stole all of the ships when they peaced out of the iron islands and somehow euron was able to scrape together an even greater fleet than the preexisting one by forcing every man, woman, and child to build in less than a month? no. sorry but no. euron's ships are like the ikea bookshelves of the sea-- there is just no fucking way this is real. which doesn't even matter if we remember that dany has three dragons and can turn his fleet to ash in seconds with one dracarys why god why are there so many dumb things happening.
i hate this show and want to murder everyone.
diddle knabb is the mother of dragons of chihuahuas. she lives in chicago with her 3yr old son and two dogs, marvin and salome.