so listen you know i hate dudes like for real but i caught feelings for a guy that i only knew for two months and then got dumped. \_(:/)_/
i started seeing this guy solely because he slid into my DMs after seeing me fan-girl over littlefinger on fb and told me he is close friends with aidan gillen and could tell me funny stories about him. i normally do not date, do not like dating, do not like talking to guys on the internet... if you are a dude i basically hate you until you like, strangle Dolt45 in his sleep and even then i am skeptical and will celebrate your inevitable demise. but name dropping lord baelish did the trick. in my head this meant i was definitely going to meet aidan and also marry him. that's literally how marriage works. look it up, sweetie.
i fell in love quickly. this guy let me call him daddy and referred to himself as daddy in public like i actually orgasm and i was probably going to marry aidan gillen my favorite game of thrones star. r.i.p.
it was a good start of a romance!
the relationship ended with me talking to a hot topic customer service representative named omar asking for a refund on my money and dignity. omar was very nice and told me that while he found the situation funny, he was sorry and i would be refunded in 3 days. and also he could not refund the $4.99 shipping which seems like a lie but okay.
the nightmare begins.
i call this guy business dad because i have a type and that type is soft dad vibes. aging and HOT. i want a man, not a boy who thinks he can etc etc.
dating him was like having insane hot sex with a workaholic dad who isn't around much but when he is, the weekend is magic and special, but as soon as he is gone and busy and you want his attention he is mean and withholding and says you need to learn to meditate and leave him alone.
i have never been dumped so this is to be filed under there is a first time for everything but why can't i win the lottery instead and it's been a real ::does not compute::: situation. my best friend keeps saying this is a good learning experience and that i am free to kick her in the face for continually saying that this is a good learning experience. i don't want to learn. i want to be ignorant. it is 2017 in the united states of america and our president uses two hands to drink from a bottle of water.
business dad claims it took 21 days to break up with me. it was more like one phone call wherein which i lost all dignity, but i started out as the dumper. reader, that is the key detail. please remember that i was the initial dumper before we go balls deep into my shame.
after a tumultuous stretch of bad communication and pent up tension, i asked business dad to be better and he said no, so i walked away.
i truly wish deep in my heart that is what happened. it did not. lol
do you ever see your future in front of you and it is a vision of chaos and fire and you see yourself taking the steps closer and closer to your fate but you can't stop because you have been overtaken by a demon from hell? that was me! and i could not stop.
the beginning of the end was his birthday. he was flying me out to la to see him and red flag #1-1,000: scorpio. if you are a scorpio and reading this, stop reading you sick fuck and get out of mine life.
i was really excited to see business dad because sex was fire but i had only a few days to get him a gift. it would be remiss not to share with you that i am the actual queen of festivity. i love manufactured joy and you will never take that from me.
question: what gift do you give a guy you let cum inside of you but you don't really know like, his hopes and dreams or middle name yet?
answer: a t-shirt from hot topic.
he was watching all the studio ghibli movies at the time so this seemed easy. CAT BUS. cool. i like it. i haven't been to a hot topic since my chemical romance, but i am really into malls so fuck yeah let's do it.
strike one: i ran into my aunt at the mall. because they are uncouth monsters, i am mostly estranged from my family and see them maybe once every two years. so now i was shopping for a gift for a guy i barely know with my aunt and she asked to sleep over that night.
strike two: i was wearing white foam birkenstock sandals with socks in the middle of november and i went into a hot topic. i have blue hair and am cool and have a harry potter tattoo so i thought i was safe but kids these days are flaming sacks of shit and the teenagers made fun of me.
strike three: they did not have the shirt in his size and i had to place an order on www.hottopic.com and they don't have any shipping option except 7-35 business days so he wasn't getting his gift while i was in town. whatevs.
it would be kind to murder me here.
we have a nice time in la. i had an edibles nightmare that i will summarize kindly as me sitting on the sidewalk somewhere in los feliz unable to move or talk or breathe but somehow able to eat six starbucks cake pops under 15 minutes in silence while my friend marina gently eased me out of my weed meltdown. but besides that, it was great!
at midnight on his birthday i kissed him 39 times and presented him with candles in cupcakes. he hid the carved wax 3 and 9 candles i got him in the cabinet because it reminded him of his mortality.
things got weird when i left los angeles. business dad was not feeling well the morning i departed and then ghosted me for a week after the trip because i annoyed him the morning i left. he was working the week he ghosted me, as business dads do, and i was getting increasingly pissed because who ghosts someone like that! an asshole.
i texted him that if he wanted to continue dating me he had to be better at communication and he was like nah, i'm cool.
death spiral in 3...2...1
i could not walk away. the second he said he didn't want to date it was like 26 years of vanity exploded from my brain. i know my worth and literally who would chose not date me. i am texting him while death spiraling and going through the seven stages of grief when the literal exact moment he shattered my heart into ten thousand pieces my phone dings with an email from hot topic customer service about his birthday gift. it had already delivered but they mixed up my order and the birthday gift i got him that should have been delivered a week ago would re-ship soon.
so i then have to text this motherfucker and be like uh hey so let me know if you got my birthday gift. he doesn't give a fuck about the gift. i already want to die at this point because i am being dumped and the universe is punishing me for ordering from hot topic. a bit later he texts to say “Just getting home now! Will wear Jurassic Park to bed tonight, thank you!!!”
hot topic sent him a jurassic park shirt.
at no point in the relationship did we ever discuss jurassic park so now it looks like i intentionally sent him a random jurassic park shirt and it is already so embarrassing that i got him something from hot topic but now i have to explain to this guy whomst just did mine heart a break that i didn’t get him jurassic park t-shirt for his bday and i would follow up with hot topic customer service about this issue and will someone just please drive a dagger through my chest and end this.
i posted about the hot topic fiasco on facebook and business dad saw it and did not like it. he said he is okay being written about, but in a professional way. that is code for "i don't take your writing seriously." i am not saying i want him to die but he probably should die because disdain for social media is outdated and boring.
we take a break.
the loose-ended "let's take a break and talk about it later" is pairing really poorly with my birth control induced mega-anxiety and giving him this break feels to me like losing because his main thing is control and refusal to compromise. if i don't text him, he successfully controls the narrative. if i do text him, i am disrespecting his boundaries. catch-22, bb.
there is a fork in the road and down one path i see tranquility and down the other, i see mass destruction. i choose fire and willingly walk into the second circle of dante's inferno.
at that point the literal only thing he did not want to do was talk about the relationship and this was a problem because a fever had taken hold of me. you could have duct taped my hands together and i would have probably been like, "yo siri, text business dad and ask him if he wants to talk about the relationship."
three weeks have passed and we are nearing the end now, dear darling. i no longer have self-respect and ask him to talk about the relationship once more. now that we've cooled maybe it will be different and he agrees. it takes actual days to schedule this call with him which in retrospect he doesn't want to talk to you. but hope is a powerful thing and i persist. the final phone call is an endless loop of:
business dad: i don't want to date you.
me: but what if we dated?
it turns into this terrible sling of insults and the cherry on top of the shit pile was him telling me he received his gift from hot topic and THEY. SENT. THE. WRONG. THING. AGAIN. i don't know what they sent him. he described it as some awful emo band tee that he immediately threw away.
hot topic has spoken and the relationship was not meant to be.
this is a learning opportunity. let it go.
diddle knabb lives in chicago. you can follow her on instagram @diddlemepink