I talk a lot about abortion in my day to day life and that is frustrating. oops it’s 2017 and we still can’t agree that religious convictions should not dictate law. you don’t like abortion? cool. don’t get one.
I am staunchly pro-abortion. kids are horrible nightmares and folks should have to undergo rigorous testing before they are allowed to have one. diddle’s america: all people looking to child rear have to be kicked in a throat by a 3-year-old at panda express without choking on a mouthful of orange chicken before they are qualified to make this regrettable decision.
constantly talking about abortion is not my jam, like I don’t wish upon a star that a guy whose alias is ‘berd shite’ will write to tell me I’m a dumb fucking cunt and should be raped for being pro-choice. but that’s where I am at! we have shifted so far into the abyss that a man who would have aborted fetal tissue BURIED in a CEMETERY for the UNBORN is now the vice president of the united states. mike pence has the body of a really buff kangaroo and shouldn’t be allowed near women or children ever, but I digress.
every morning I wake up it is almost guaranteed that some old assholes in a state I loathe to think about is making it harder for women to have an abortion. somewhere some white man is deciding that husbands should get to sue their wives should they wish to have an abortion—even in cases of rape. tip of the hat to the state of arkansas for continually being one of the worst stains in the country. I don’t know why arkansas is even allowed to do anything. do you know how many starbucks there are in that garbage pile? 17. in the entire fucking state. these people are barely american and shouldn’t be allowed to vote.
I’m going to get fox news on your ass and call this the #WarOnWomen. the #WarOnWomen is everywhere. being anti-choice is anti-woman and anti-child. this year the house of delegates in virginia decided that january 22, the anniversary of roe v wade, is to be the ‘day of tears’ and government flags will fly at half-mast. *burns all the flags* the hypocrisy of mourning the lives of unborn ‘babies’ while denying women safe access to reproductive healthcare will never not make my eyes roll out of my head into oblivion.
I had an abortion when I was 18 and it was awful. I didn’t want a baby. 10/10 would abort again. #NoRoegrets I wanted to leave my abusive parents, move out of my poor town and go to college. the closest clinic to my house was almost two hours away and the procedure cost $450. I got free lunch at school and rode my bike to work part-time at a hardware store to help my parents out. that might as well have been on mars and cost a million golden tickets.
the people who knew I was pregnant encouraged me to keep the baby. my boss had a sister who couldn’t have kids and would happily take the baby and at work I was constantly guilted to give my spawn to a woman with a barren womb and a promise of a good home. not a good feeling! my sexy, dumb jehovah’s witness coworker sam (bless him heart) offered to marry me and help raise the child. JUST BECAUSE WE MADE OUT DURING THE STAR TREK REBOOT DOESN’T MEAN I WANT TO MARRY YOU, SAM, YOU DUMB SEXY IDIOT.
I have yet to encounter an anti-abortion argument that isn’t rooted in utter selfishness. here are some of my favorites:
argument: fake science, for example: life begins at conception.
verdict: no it doesn’t. whenever someone starts talking nonsense science about abortion it makes me think of weirdos who argue that vegetables scream when you cut them. like... no one cares. I am still going to eat a delicious salad. I am still going to abort this clump of cells chilling in my uterus. \_(:/)_/
argument: god doesn't like it because murder.
verdict: I don't mock your decision to believe this, but it is irrelevant to my life.
argument: I am anti-choice because there are women who are infertile and desperately want to adopt.
verdict: it is selfish to project your wish for children onto another women. of all the arguments, this one grates me the most. imagining myself being forced to carry a pregnancy to full term because some random asshole wants a cute lil baby makes me want to die.
argument: this fantasy of who the fetus will become. we could be killing the person who solves world peace!
verdict: this is stupid and by this logic we are also ridding the world of people who would go on to commit terrible, heinous crimes.
argument: if you're mature enough to fuck, deal w the consequences.
verdict: I had already had sex with prob 25 people by the time I was 18. takes no maturity at all! and on this note, I agree that sexual education is important. SO STOP SLASHING FUNDING, FUCKERS. make birth control accessible! give planned parenthood buckets of money.
argument: what if you were aborted, wouldn't like abortion too much then. check. mate.
verdict: my mother got pregnant with me when she was 15 and was in a sexually and physically abusive relationship. my biological dad was in his 20s, so they had to lie about her age at hospitals because by law this guy was a statutory rapist. by 17 she had two children with this man and had to leave him for beating her while pregnant. my siblings and I had abusive childhoods and lived in poverty. I am not unhappy to have been born... but I wish my mother would have been given more options and better access to family planning and care.
argument: you love your son so much and the other 'baby' you aborted could have meant as much to you and filled your heart with happiness and purpose.
verdict: ahhh I hate iggy he is the worst send help.
I remain wholly unsympathetic to the anti-choice cause but am willing to hear you out. if you feel like you have the argument that will really change my mind, please shoot me an email over at firstname.lastname@example.org. subject line: all men must die. I try to keep an open mind and am curious to hear what you have to say.
diddle knabb lives in chicago. you can follow her on instagram @diddlemepink
a version of this column originally appeared in Gamut Magazine March 2017