when i was little my uncle was the general manager at taco bell and he would steal all sorts of stuff but the greatest thing he stole was a huge bag of stuffed chihuahuas that taco bell was mass producing as a part of a $500 million dollar advertising campaign.
~yo quiero taco bell~
he brought them home and told us that one day they will be worth so much money like thousands of dollars more than beanie babies (lmao) but i snuck and opened them all and that was my first chihuahua army.
i am the mother of dragons of chihuahuas and my only goal in this godforsaken garbage life is to love these majestic earth angels. you know how in the show game of thrones khaleesi locks up her dragons bc they keep eating ppl and shit? i would never lock up my chihuahuas. ever.
can't tell you what started my obsession. my first chihuahua would let me put him in a pringle can and roll him down the stairs. these dogs go hard, man.
i currently have two chihuahuas and honestly i want more but i am already lying to my landlord about how many pets i have. i definitely only own one small dog and that is what is says on my lease and how dare you suggest i actually house two dogs, a cat and a fish. fake news!
marvin is the eldest chi and what you need to know about him is 1) he's a fucking dick 2) he has a massive penis. it's uncomfortable to describe my son as "having a massive penis" but it is the truth. that ol' peen is larger than his bicep. imagine for a second, if you will, having a penis larger than your arm. that is upsetting to me but who do i think i am to question god's plan?
marvin is a grumpy little shithead. he should be kissing my butt considering i rescued his broke ass from an alleyway. he was living in a chicago alley. i have seen with mine own eyes rats bigger than this half-assed dog, but he has street smarts i guess and was able to rough it.
the most annoying thing about marvin is his indifference and also that he really loves my dad. it's weird! no one in my family loves my dad the most. my dad is nice and all but he's definitely not the best member of the family, you know? i can easily think of four other people in the family better than my dad but marvin acts like he's real hot shit and fawns over him. *insert pomeranian question mark emoji*
fuck marvin, though. salome is the main star of my pet kingdom. wow o wow let me tell you. this dog is a classical beauty. she is technically not a full-blooded chihuahua. she is 50% chihuahua 50% dachshund-- 100% attitude. (so humiliating>) she is from indiana, which explains why she is completely insane, but i don't care i love her.
we are talking helen of troy beauty, my friends. sally is so beautiful that a man tried to steal her from a house party a few years ago. this drunk guy was walking around the party with sally in his arms and telling everyone to look at her beauty and he kept asking me questions about her upbringing and i thought that was weird but whatevs. live your life. and this motherfucker walked right out the house with her.
9-1-1 what's your emergency: HE STOLE MY SAL SEND THE NATIONAL GUARD
my friends had to chase him down and he tried to apologize and blamed it on the alcohol, but i had him killed just to be safe.
because of her shocking beauty, strangers regularly ask if i would be willing to breed her.
short answer: no.
longer answer: i would never in a million billion years let another person have one of her pups like have you actually lost your mind?
i would love to surround myself with salopups but know in my heart it will never be possible because of the ghost pups. sally gave birth to a litter of ghost pups. she had a phantom pregnancy and carried the ghost pups to full term and then released them into the ether.
false pregnancy in dogs is rare (i am making that up i actually have no idea if it's rare i mean i am assuming it is? i am not a doctor, folks!) so of course sal would have a false pregnancy.
it was the most dramatic time of my life.
marvin is incapable of producing children and we were truly baffled at how she got pregnant. to our knowledge, sally had never been with a man. but she was pregnant and her nips were engorged and belly growing fuller by the day. i have never heard of a dog having a fake pregnancy, so i was knitting teeny sweaters and shit. ready for my grandbabies. so sad that she birthed out ghosts.
sally was the worst pregnant woman i have ever met in my entire life. i would make her dinner and she'd slap the plate out of my hands if the temperature was off, she would never respond to my texts, and sometimes i would catch her staring at me and instead of looking away real fast like a normal person would, she would hold her gaze. like... i truly can't!
when she got deep into her phantom pregnancy, she started to sleep in a "whelping box." i had to make her a cave that she could retreat to when she wasn't feeling up for polite company and where she would eventually give birth. i made it out of a cardboard box and several blankets and she began to sleep in it for hours a day and would only come out to insult marvin, then back into the whelping box. it was depressing.
a vet told us that the pregnancy was fake and we just had to play along with it, but I had hope that she could actually be pregnant. the puppy could be so small! you never know. stranger things [than my dog having an immaculate conception] have happened.
the day of the birth was full of dramatics. sally had not come out of the box at all and tried to do me a bite, so i knew it was time for the puppers to come. the internet says to leave mom be because if you piss a momma dog off, she will EAT HER YOUNG OUT OF SPITE. sally is absolutely the type of doggo who would eat her children just to be an asshole, so i was giving her space just in case there were babies.
my friend mary told me a gross story about how she interview at red lobster and the general manager told her in stunning detail about a cat that ate her kittens.
like all births, this one was disgusting. i couldn't see sally give birth because she was balls deep on the whelping box, but i could hear it. panicked breathing and scary moans. it was sick. after like five minutes she emerged from the whelping box unpregnant and without babies. she had given birth to ghosts.
rest in peace, my angels.
diddle knabb lives in chicago. you can follow her on instagram @diddlemepink
a version of this column originally appeared in Gamut Magazine april 2017