count your #blessings

iggy

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my 4yr old son comes home from school wearing a pilgrim hat that he made during craft time as they learned about the first thanksgiving.

the native americans taught the pilgrims how to plant maize and harvest their crops.

and i wonder if i should ask his teacher not to enforce this narrative of white supremacy but i don’t want to be that parent and am already that parent who shows up five minutes late to the parent-teacher conference with faded blue hair and chipped black nail polish. i don’t know how to teach a toddler about genocide and the capacity for humans to commit evil but when i try to talk about death it always circles back to nemo’s mom being eaten by a barracuda and nemo having to live the rest of his life without a mother.

 

salome

my dog doesn’t hate people, she just hates small children, and i hate sticky hands so i can relate. sometimes i feel embarrassed that she barks so much at so many things, like people and other dogs and pineapples and grocery bags on sidewalks, but she is from a farm in indiana and there always was going to be a heavy price to pay for her beauty.

 

winnie

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winnie isn’t my dog but she is my son and she is beautiful like an actual baby fox. her deep dark secret is that she is constantly eating shit. her own, and the shit of others. there is a counter on the fridge labeled “days since winnie has eaten shit” and it is always at zero. i still let winnie lick my face and having a dog that barks a lot and hates children is not so bad if you really think about it.

 

marvin

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the worst feud in the history of my family is my dad claiming he found marvin on the free ads on craigslist before i did and thus marvin is his rightful dog. i don’t feel it is appropriate to ever engage white men in this kind of debate, but the lunacy of his claim brings me to a boiling rage every single time. this geriatric chihuahua has shit in my bed twice this week and i won’t have any person challenging my claim to this beast.

 

jessie mae lizardson

i went to a reading at a bar one week after my son was born and a beautiful stranger who looks like an irl instagram filter asked me how i was doing and i told her my baby was unable to breathe on his own and living in an incubator and how his heart regularly stops and when that happens i have to slap him on the back to remind him that he is alive. she told me that if she compared all of her female friends to her male friends, it would be similar to comparing every baby animal in the world to a rock and if i compared every baby animal in the world to jessie it would be like fuck all those cute baby animals.

 

mark

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the worst D&D drama you will ever know is the time mark got so high that he forgot a particularly annoying dungeon we had escaped minutes after playing and he kept staring at the map without any recognition of the game we just finished. he remained unconvinced we had actually played this dungeon, despite our efforts to remind him of the hours we had just spent fighting goblins, and it was hilarious but the DM at the time got so mad that he emotionally flipped a table and demanded an apology. no apology was given!

ruth

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“If the moon smiled, she would resemble you.
You leave the same impression
Of something beautiful, but annihilating.”

being in love with ruth is difficult because i want to be a perfect woman for her and am waiting until i am rich enough to buy us a three-flat to ask her to leave her husband and live with me and be a full-time poet. jessie will live with us in our compound and pretend she hates marvin, whomst she loves, and we will have a hot tub probably.  

 

samantha

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sam sent my small baby child 80 bags of cheetos in four different varieties (crunchy, puffs, flamin’ hot, and jalapeno cheddar) and they arrived in a massive cardboard box that says H U N G R Y on the side. this kid craves candy and snacks more than anything in this life so i inflated a small child’s pool and filled it with the exactly eighty bags of cheetos and i think when life hands you an abundance of manufactured cheese you should make a production out of it. and i think when life hands you an abundance of love you have to remember to be thankful.

 

romance

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i have never had a father but am currently having the best sex of my life with a man i call daddy who for real asked me if it is a good or bad thing to be a fuckboy and when i met him at his hotel room he left a key for me under my maiden name and i don’t know if i am in love or just bored.

 

petty

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my rich boring sister-in-law graduated from yoga school and the ceremony was four hours long and ‘life-changing’ and god must be real to have provided me with schadenfreude in the form of witnessing someone i hate have a midlife crisis and find spirituality in a cliché. namaste, bitches.

 

horoscopes

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i don’t believe in astrology but i believe that things will get better and i read my horoscope daily because when my bank account is at negative $12 it provides me with comfort to know that on the 17th of this month i will make a huge financial decision that will change my life.


 

diddle knabb lives in chicago. you can follow her on instagram @diddlemepink

a version of this column originally appeared in Gamut Magazine november 2017