working as a millennial is hard because i have thousands of dollars in student loan debt, am under-qualified for everything, have a deathly hallows tattoo on my forearm and my skill set includes being the kind of funny on the internet that makes boring people unfriend me in case THEIR employer sees my posts. i just want to get paid to write ironic game of thrones recaps and take photos of my dogs. my last three years of employment have been soul-sucking underpaid labor. i don't know what i am doing with my life and think i am having a midlife-midlife crisis. meow.
i quit my basic ass job the other day and it felt good. i have never quit a job before. growing up poor means i need to always have a stable source of income, but in and a haze of insanity, i decided life is too short to work a job i hate. LOL. it felt good though.
i resigned and gave one week's notice. my boss replied saying i didn't need to finish out the week, they'd give me paid time off for the remainder of the month, and let me know they would mail my belongings to my apartment. usually when someone puts in their notice, everyone has drinks and lunch on the last day and a card is passed around to see the person off. they dislike me so greatly that they are going to pay real american dollars to never have to see me again and physically ship a dirty mug, an iphone charger, some pens, half a bar of toblerone chocolate and an old sweater to spare me from coming in. i imagine they thought i'd be devastated by the dismal, but being paid not to work is my dream and i am thrilled. i get to spend a week in chicago in the summer not working. literal GET THE FUCK OUT. lol
upper management began to hate me a little after donald trump became president. working for a major retailer who sold ivanka trump products meant i had to cause anarchy from within whenever opportunity arose. i almost got fired after reply all-ing to this email:
i had to reply-all that because of my morals, obv.
my boss is an aging man who thinks talking about how he auditioned for the amazing race makes him super interesting, and he is the type who plays office pranks. i think it should be punishable by death to affirm unfunny white men, so i refuse on principle to lol at a grown man who thinks it is funny to wrap someone's keyboard in tin foil.
such prank // much wow. snooze-a-palooza.
my boss could sense i am cooler than him and he would not be swaying me with references to the bachelor, and thus i became undesirable number one. (i recently reread the harry potter books so there's gonna be a lot of hp references.) i was excluded from the jokes and prancing and eyes always averted when crossing paths.
i don't care about my bosses liking me. i have to see these people all damn day the least i should be able to do is not be expected to fraternize with them in anyway that isn't related directly to work. i don't care about what your dog ate, jenna. your wedding planning sounds terrible, shelby, now leave me to die forever alone. i made up those names but they are based on real, irritating people that i don't want to talk to. my boss setup a keurig near our desks to make us feel less depressed about our jobs and one of my coworkers kept refilling the water with the dirty mug she just finished drinking coffee out of. how am i supposed to pretend i'm not better than these freaks. i mean, really.
my best friend got me the job and pays slightly above minimum wage so obviously ~wow~ and what a dream to be able to work with your best friend, right? wrong. wrongo doggo.
do not live or work with friends. the deciding factor in me leaving was my best friend distancing herself to curry favor with the boss man. she got a raise that put her above me in title but financially we were samesies. both broke, working for the man. i don't know what she thought being liked by the boss would get her, but the betrayal of a good friend and the general despair of working in retail that not even free coffee can fix had me done.
this binch gets a one dollar raise and thinks she's fancy. she used to be my weed connection and once bought my panties off me at work in the bathroom to sell to a guy who works sound for hamilton the musical and then invited me to go watch hamilton the musical with the one caveat being we'd have to sit in the sound booth with the dude who bought the panties. you can't buy someone's used underwear and then claim superiority. some bridges cannot be uncrossed! i put in my notice and because am a petty princess and sent her the following text:
"now that you're not my boss-- i wanted to reach out and thank you for getting me the job. it was what i needed at the time and i appreciate it. it's unfortunate that our real life friendship fell apart because you're more worried about workplace advancement than maintaining real friendships. i think a lesson you need to learn is not to throw someone under the bus after you were their weed connection. you bought my panties off of me at work to sell to a stranger on the internet-- but now that you make $1 more than me, you are too good to associate because i was unfavored by management. i think this is a lesson in maturity that hopefully will realize sooner rather than later. people can sniff out your kiss-assery and joke about not telling you anything because you're a narc. good luck climbing the corporate ladder! <snake emoji>"
this binch took her phone to work and SHOWED THE MESSAGE TO ALL OF MANAGEMENT. there were meetings with HR with how to proceed and everyone in leadership had to block me on instagram which i think is kinda cool if u think ab it
diddle knabb lives in chicago. you can follow her on instagram @diddlemepink
a version of this column originally appeared in Gamut Magazine august 2017